CONTROL STEALING THE JOY
One of my biggest fears is my children growing up & realising I let control steal the moments of joy that could have been sprinkled throughout our journey.
When I had my first daughter, I found it really hard. I didn’t find loving her hard. I found everything that came with having a baby tough.
I felt like it didn’t come naturally to me. I worried a lot, felt anxious & was unsure of myself a lot of the time. I found the days long, & the nights even longer.
The loss of control that comes with a new-born stressed me out, the constant changing nature of everything scared me, the intensity overwhelmed me, & realising my life had changed made me feel sad – it’s hard being a mum in the modern world.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing.
I reflected on this stage of motherhood with someone whose words & work have always resonated with me; Zoe Blaskey (if you haven’t listened to her podcast motherkind you need to find it immediately!).
I now see that my way of coping; my defence against all of this change, my way of managing matrescence was control.
Looking back to those early days of matrescence I used control to guide my days & it saved me.
I became as efficient as I could, organising everything, planning, lists, diaries, schedules... all of it made me feel safer, more in control. I felt like I had a handle on things, like I could cope.
In reality, I was desperately trying to control something that wasn’t meant to be controlled, that couldn’t be controlled.
But it’s the only way I knew to get through those days.
As the years went on & my daughter grew up, I eased into the transition of Matrescence & life became easier. But I had set up a rigorous routine that we had adopted as a way of life, & it kind of worked. Until one day I realised, we had no room for joy. Control had sucked the joy out of our days.
I started to think back to the times when I’d shudder if she wanted to jump in the paddling pool because it would mean hair wash & I hadn’t planned on Tuesday being a hair wash night. Or if my husband suggested we ate tea out at the pub, but it was Thursday night & I had planned on having sausages on Thursday.
So, I started to unpick what had happened. I realised that the control I had needed to exert in those early days had followed me through into a phase of our lives where it was no longer needed.
I set upon the task of shedding the control.
Letting go of the ties I had gently placed around my life to keep everyone safe & sorted. Setting free the conditions I had placed on our lives & things started to feel lighter. The consequence of doing the ‘thing’ wasn’t even significant & I coped without even a second thought. We stayed up late, we jumped in paddling pools, & we ate waffles for tea.
My reminder to you: in those early days you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. There's no judgement & don’t worry about what anything else thinks about the decisions you make for you & your family unit. It’s hard – so do what you need to do to survive those early days.
Beyond that, keep the balance. Listen to yourself & be agile. Bring in the control when you need it, in some phases of motherhood you do, you need the routine, the structure, sometimes to survive. But don’t forget to let yourself go, be spontaneous with the kids & have fun.
Don’t let either side take over, and remember you’ll never regret the moments of joy.
Sending you the strength you need ✌️
