BETH’S JOURNEY INTO MODERN DAY MOTHERHOOD

The birth of my first daughter, Thea was a pivotal point in which I feel like I changed.

FROM THE MOMENT I BECAME A MUM I LOOKED AT THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY.

I didn’t know it at the time – but I had a tough road ahead of me mentally. Becoming a mum changed everything & it changed me.  

In all honesty, I struggled with my new role as a mum.  

The loss of control that comes with a new-born stressed me out, the constant changing nature of everything scared me, and the intensity overwhelmed me, realising my life had changed made me feel sad - I just found it hard being a mum in this modern world.  

Of course, it wasn’t all bad & i didn’t struggle with loving Thea - she was perfect.

I STRUGGLED WITH FINDING MY NEW SELF & HOW MY LIFE LOOKED NOW I WAS A MUM.

I looked around at my other friends and I realised we all dealt with becoming a mum so differently – no one right or wrong just each of us navigating our own path, adjusting to our new lives - and I felt alone.  

I LOST MYSELF SOMEWHERE BETWEEN GIVING BIRTH & A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER WHEN I REALISED THAT THE PERSON I WAS SEARCHING TO GET BACK - HAD GONE - & SHE WASN’T COMING BACK. I REALISED THAT A NEW VERSION OF ME WAS HERE - A BETTER VERSION, BUT I JUST DIDN’T REALLY KNOW HER OR HOW TO CONNECT WITH HER.

I realised I did not know who to talk to about how lost I felt? Where to go for advice? Was it even a thing or was it just me? Did I have PND or did everyone feel like this? Maybe this was how it is? Was there something out there to help me adjust to my new life? A guidebook? Therapy? Counselling? But I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for?  

I felt alone thinking it was just me who felt this way – but I couldn’t quite put my fingers on what it was I was feeling.  

But I pushed past the feeling and cracked on with life, over the next few years we had another baby and I kept myself busy… stupidly busy, making sure everything was perfect, constantly trying to control everything, not giving myself a second to sit and just be, or to connect with me, please me, do things for me.  

Never making myself a priority as I thought this made me a better mum - putting everyone else first - when really, I now know this is a terrible example to set for my girls.  

I STARTED TO REALISE I HAD LOST SIGHT OF WHO I WAS, WHAT I EVEN ENJOYED, WHAT MADE ME HAPPY - I DID NOT ACTUALLY KNOW ANYMORE. 

I fought the change. For a long time I desperately tried to get back to the person I was before.  

I constantly counted down to meeting myself again and doing what I used to enjoy but I never quite got there.  

I SPENT HOURS WONDERING WHEN LIFE WOULD GET ‘BACK TO NORMAL’.

I felt a constant struggle between wanting to be with my baby every minute of the day but craved my independence, space, spontaneity and freedom.  

I often questioned how I could do this.  

How could I give my baby everything she needed whilst also nourishing myself?  

How could I be there for her while being there for me?  

“I used to think, am I the only one who feels like this?”  

Am I the only one questioning who I thought I was and who I am now I’m a mum? 

& THEN I DISCOVERED MATRESCENCE.

The moment that word landed in my life everything changed, again.  

I remember it so clearly.  

I was leaning against a doorframe waiting for my then one year old to go to sleep.  

I was hovering outside her room mindlessly scrolling while I waited for her to settle.  

It was then I read Amy Taylor-Kabbaz’s post describing matrescence - a word I’d never heard in my life.   

Right there, in that moment Amy’s words struck me with so much force I knew this was the answer I’d been searching for.  

Her words shifted something in me. I felt lighter just knowing there was a word which encapsulated everything I was experiencing in those hazy moments of motherhood.